Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Soul Searching

So obviously I haven't been around for awhile.....I'm not really sure why.  The need to blog and write just vanished for a time.  I stopped reading all of the blogs I was following and went into cyber-hiding.

This past year has been a difficult one, for multiple reasons that I don't really want to go into, and then of course we're still reeling from the tragedy of losing our dog last week.  Perhaps that has made me feel that I want to be involved in the blogosphere again.  I need to be involved in the things that interest me again.

Change isn't easy for me to deal with, which is silly because the only thing in life that is guaranteed, besides death and taxes, is change.  Change for the better, change for the worse, either way, it's going to happen.  It's something that I need to learn to handle better, especially sad, unwanted changes.

Last week unwanted change was forced on us and with it has come some painful soul searching.  Amidst my grief and tears, I have to come to terms with some changes in my life that I know need to be made, but that I've been putting off and putting off for far too long.  Because, change is scary, even when you know that change will benefit you!  Why is that?  Crazy.

They say that "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."  At the moment I want to say that "what doesn't kill me is only making me a bitter, blubbering mess" but I'm beginning to see and feel some weird glimmers of hope.  Loss is never easy to cope with and this is no exception.....but maybe there is some truth to that old adage because I think I'll be able to recover from this better than the last time I lost a pet.  Perhaps "better" isn't the right term, I don't know.  Maybe that feeling will change in the next 5 minutes, but right now I feel like I'll be able to get through this.

Tonight being the one-week anniversary of Ginger leaving us, I'm dreading spending the evening alone.  Husband will be at night class, and I don't want to continually be watching the clock and thinking about the timeline of how the events of that night played out.  I thought about going through all of her photos and creating a slide-show tribute, but I know that will just make me sob all night.  There are a couple of movies we rented that we haven't watched yet, maybe I'll just sit on the couch with Sasha and the cats and watch one to distract myself.  I don't know.  But either way, I'll get through the night, because I have to.

This is my favorite time of year, fall.  I love the cooler weather, the soft breezes, watching the leaves fall from the trees; it's a gentle time of year.  Ginger came into our lives in the fall, and she has gone out of our lives in the fall.  I think I can begin to find a little bit of closure in that fact.  

2 comments:

  1. Hang in there, Betsy. I can only imagine how hard this time is for you. We lost our beloved Elwood almost four years ago ~ sometimes it makes me sad to think about it, but overall nowadays, I can smile when I think about him. I hope it gets easier for you too:)

    ~Cindy

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  2. I read your post yesterday and am so sorry for your loss. It must be awful right now. I know that it might feel Sasha has come along too quickly, but I think it will help to have a little lost soul to take care of. You don't have to fall in love with her straight away, but you can give her care and attention and feel glad that you can give her a good home. You'll feel ready for love later, don't feel you have to push it xx

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